Addicted To Hope

Growing up you always expect things to be a certain way: girl meets guy, falls in love, gets married, has kids, rides off into the sunset and  lives happily ever after. That’s how the story goes right? What if the story goes more like this-  girl meets guy, falls in love, gets married, tries to get pregnant for years- struggles to get pregnant, struggles to stay pregnant and always has it end the same way- broken hearted and not pregnant. No one warns you getting pregnant will be hard. In fact we are warned for years as women that if we aren’t careful we will wind up pregnant accidentally. Accidentally meaning it happens by chance, unintentionally, or unexpectedly. I laugh at those very words now because for four years I’ve tried every position in bed, vitamins, ovulation tests, blood tests, ultrasounds, hormone pills and hormone shots. I have been poked, prodded, injected with saline and dye for different tests that are incredibly painful procedures.  I have even prayed to the baby gods to let me get “accidentally” pregnant. I spend two weeks after ovulation pretending not to pay attention to every twinge and new thing that seems to be happening to my body. Convincing myself maybe this time it will happen.. Maybe this time someone above heard me and decided it was our time to have a baby. Fantasizing about the ways we will tell our family and friends that have been in this process with us, checking what my due date would be if I was pregnant. I am a day late and excitedly I pee on a stick and the second line doesn’t appear- I am not pregnant. I am crushed My world has come crashing down.  I swallow hard and I start to cry. I tell myself I am silly for thinking it would have a second line. I start to get mad at myself …why do  I continually allow myself to have the hope each month?  It’s a vicious cycle trying to get pregnant if you aren’t one of the ones in the world that can do it easily you truly have no idea what it’s like.  With every month and every period there’s more hope for the next month and an even more crushing low when your period shows up. Sometimes I find it’s easier to keep how heartbroken I get to myself and my husband rather then explain to people who truly can’t understand it. If I hear one more time I am so sorry or some other generic sympathetic comment I may scream and explode. Just once Id like someone to say “go ahead and be pissed off at every pregnant person you see. This sucks, no one should have to deal with it.” Its the truth and yet people are afraid to tell you that.  I just hope to get to the point where I can say from the other side- stay with it, keep trying, don’t give up, it will happen for you because I too once was there and it happened for me but until then I decided to write this blog as a way to deal; perhaps as my own therapy to process this hard time or perhaps to help others who feel as crazy as I do with this entire process. I think its important that we know there are other women out there who cry themselves to sleep, who hate every pregnant person they see, who are consumed with trying to get pregnant, who are addicted to hope. Its a heart breaking rollercoaster that none of us can seem to get off because of the hope that next month will be different… Hope is what keeps us going. Hope is addicting.imagesCA6BH489


2 thoughts on “Addicted To Hope

  1. What a wonderful blog… I feel like you literally took the words out of my mouth! Thank you for sharing this.. (I found it on the WB). It really helps and I feel like sharing the link with everyone I know so they can understand what it feels like and leave me the hell alone. And I will definitely tell you ; go ahead, be angry!!!! But like you said, I hope that soon you’ll get to share your words of hope when it happens to you!

    • Thank you so much for the kind words! Please do share this with anyone you would like. My goal of this blog is to help people who are trying to get pregnant and to help people who truly don’t know what it feels like understand a little better!

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