Christina and Meredith

“So I’m pregnant”….

Those are the words that changed us forever. I knew this day would come when my best friend said her and her husband were going to start trying. I immediately broke into tears, hugged her and mustered up the “I’m so happy for you guys.”  while my entire body was shaking from the anger, shock, and sadness I was feeling. Don’t get me wrong I am not a completely cold hearted person, I am entirely thankful they didn’t have to experience the years of trying that we had but why did the get to have this so easily? Why could it happen for everyone but me? After the hugging and congratulating was done I excused myself to the bathroom and sat on the side of the tub, put my head in my hands and sobbed. And when I say sobbed I mean sobbed like someone died. I was ugly crying- tears streaming down my face, snot running from my nose, couldn’t breath. I wanted to feel happy for her but I just couldn’t. I wanted to scream. I was mad at her for getting pregnant and I was mad at God for letting her get to be pregnant so easily while I continued to struggle. We had done everything together the past couple years even having our wedding anniversaries a day apart. We referred to each other as eachother’s person like Meredith and Christina on Greys Anatomy. It’s funny how those few words “so I am pregnant” could change a relationship  so quickly for a person struggling with fertility. Now her and I were about to experience something and go thru a time neither one of us could understand. I couldn’t understand being pregnant and she couldn’t understand how hard it was for me; how excruciatingly painful it was for me to see her and know there was something in her that changed things.

In the beginning I avoided her, and she did her best at letting me have space. I sent her an email telling her how hard this was for me and she wrote me back very understandingly and said she knew that her very being was a source of great pain for me right now and she didn’t understand why she got pregnant so easily and it wasn’t fair. I spent this time convincing myself I didn’t need her as a friend that I had other friends. (My other friends have been so amazing and supportive of both of us, I can’t imagine they are in an easy position either) But that didn’t last long. i truly missed her. She was my best friend, I missed texting and calling and getting together and laughing and being silly. I wanted to see her but didn’t want to. It was a catch 22. I missed our old friendship and it couldn’t be like that now. And I was still plenty angry that she got to be pregnant.  I totally know how irrational this in my head but my heart just couldn’t process it differently.  My husband and I were out one night and I had perhaps a little too much to drink and ended up sobbing all the way home about her being pregnant and why couldn’t it happen for us when we have hoped and prayed and tried for so long. I couldn’t stop crying and he finally grabbed me and hugged me and said can you please just cry on me and let it out, which I did. I don’t think we were ever closer than we were in that moment.  We laid in bed and he rubbed my back and sang me a song till I passed out because I couldn’t cry any longer.

Anyways back to my friend, time has lapsed. We still are friends, we always will be. We can’t not be in each others lives. It’s still extremely hard for me to see her especially now that she has a belly and there is no denying she is pregnant. I find myself not allowing my eyes to wander to her stomach or my hands to touch her growing belly. But I am able to hear about the nursery and listen as she excitedly talks about cribs, and nursery colors. Time has made it somewhat easier and it’s also made me realize I want our friendship. I put myself in her shoes and can’t imagine what it’s like to want to talk to your best friend about something so exciting and life changing all the while knowing you can’t share too much because of how hard it is for her. I have realized that isn’t just me suffering. But if she is calling and texting still she has also realized what I have- some friendships aren’t worth giving up. It’s the friendships that make it thru the hardest of times that are meant to be your life long friends. We both know how much the other struggles and yet we still fight for our friendship. Don’t get me wrong; their are still plenty of days that I struggle with the why her and not me but here’s to hoping time continues to makes everything even better and we can get back to the place we once were.

I’ve learned a lot trying for a baby. I think I am constantly looking for a reason we are going thru this. Why it happens for everyone else so easily and yet we struggle. I am always looking for the bigger picture or a lesson to be learned. I have learned I am stronger then I realized, Everyone in this process has to be strong, whether you’ve tried for 5 months on your own or whether you are seeing a specialist and doing daily shots with IUI or IVF .  If you weren’t strong you would get swallowed alive. However,  I have also learned you can be strong and still let people in. Your husband/wife, family and friends can go thru this with you. While they can’t stop the disappointments from happening they can be there to help pick you up on the days you need it and give you the encouragement you need to not give up. You aren’t alone despite how alone you feel at times. I am so thankful for my friends and family. I have the greatest friends that have let me cry and cried for me, who laugh at me and with me, who are there to have  glass of wine or a bottle depending on the cycle day and that days news. I don’t know where I would be without them. So while I am not using names in this; I do want to say thank you to those women who go out of their way to check on me and support me- You know who you are 🙂

 

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Addicted To Hope

Growing up you always expect things to be a certain way: girl meets guy, falls in love, gets married, has kids, rides off into the sunset and  lives happily ever after. That’s how the story goes right? What if the story goes more like this-  girl meets guy, falls in love, gets married, tries to get pregnant for years- struggles to get pregnant, struggles to stay pregnant and always has it end the same way- broken hearted and not pregnant. No one warns you getting pregnant will be hard. In fact we are warned for years as women that if we aren’t careful we will wind up pregnant accidentally. Accidentally meaning it happens by chance, unintentionally, or unexpectedly. I laugh at those very words now because for four years I’ve tried every position in bed, vitamins, ovulation tests, blood tests, ultrasounds, hormone pills and hormone shots. I have been poked, prodded, injected with saline and dye for different tests that are incredibly painful procedures.  I have even prayed to the baby gods to let me get “accidentally” pregnant. I spend two weeks after ovulation pretending not to pay attention to every twinge and new thing that seems to be happening to my body. Convincing myself maybe this time it will happen.. Maybe this time someone above heard me and decided it was our time to have a baby. Fantasizing about the ways we will tell our family and friends that have been in this process with us, checking what my due date would be if I was pregnant. I am a day late and excitedly I pee on a stick and the second line doesn’t appear- I am not pregnant. I am crushed My world has come crashing down.  I swallow hard and I start to cry. I tell myself I am silly for thinking it would have a second line. I start to get mad at myself …why do  I continually allow myself to have the hope each month?  It’s a vicious cycle trying to get pregnant if you aren’t one of the ones in the world that can do it easily you truly have no idea what it’s like.  With every month and every period there’s more hope for the next month and an even more crushing low when your period shows up. Sometimes I find it’s easier to keep how heartbroken I get to myself and my husband rather then explain to people who truly can’t understand it. If I hear one more time I am so sorry or some other generic sympathetic comment I may scream and explode. Just once Id like someone to say “go ahead and be pissed off at every pregnant person you see. This sucks, no one should have to deal with it.” Its the truth and yet people are afraid to tell you that.  I just hope to get to the point where I can say from the other side- stay with it, keep trying, don’t give up, it will happen for you because I too once was there and it happened for me but until then I decided to write this blog as a way to deal; perhaps as my own therapy to process this hard time or perhaps to help others who feel as crazy as I do with this entire process. I think its important that we know there are other women out there who cry themselves to sleep, who hate every pregnant person they see, who are consumed with trying to get pregnant, who are addicted to hope. Its a heart breaking rollercoaster that none of us can seem to get off because of the hope that next month will be different… Hope is what keeps us going. Hope is addicting.imagesCA6BH489